The Martians admitted to the periodic passage of the precious red fluid but were unconcerned as they had not experienced any pain.

The Venusians who had experienced colonoscopies were shocked that I was unable to describe any of the procedure, suggested I was part of a pain killer conspiracy and pointed out that I wasn't man enough to have a baby. (Huh?)

It took awhile to come to grips with the truth and impossibility of the accusation.

I was a high school athlete. Used to get in a lot of fights. I've had my face sewn up a few times. Once I pulled out a loose tooth. Another time I popped a dislocated finger back in place and continued playing. I love watching football and the Discover Channel. I was taught "no pain, no gain" and I believe in "The Red Badge Of Courage".

I'm a typical Martian.

Martians understand pain associated with masculine activities; sore muscles, sprains, cuts, bruises. Martians have low tolerance for pain that does not define our masculinity, like headaches.

Mrs. Stupidman works at a hospital. An occasional conversation goes as follows: "Hi honey, how was your day?" "Horrible, I've had a splitting headache all day!" "Did you take anything for it?" "Noooo."

Can you guess who said what? Can you imagine a Martian going all day with an untreated headache?

Martians take something if they think they are going to get a headache.

Martians get cut, don't remember how it happened and don't recall when they had their last tetanus shot.

Venusians have babies or think they might have babies or at least recognize there is a possibility of having a baby. It doesn't really matter. The potential pain of having a baby is as much a part of their planetary culture as "What's a little blood?" is a part of the Martian culture.

Was it Bill Cosby who said "Having a baby is like taking your bottom lip and pulling it over your head."? What's a headache compared to that?

Speaking for the Martians,(and if they don't like it they can publish their own newsletter) we can't even imagine the pain of giving birth nor do we want to. (Have you noticed when we are shamed into the delivery room we always stay at the head of the table? Elder Martians have told us to never go to the opposite end as it causes blindness or worse.) If that lessens our "manhood" so be it. We can always compensate by watching lions attack zebras or wildebeests.

That said, Venusians, you don't have to add to your image by tolerating a headache all day. You don't have to experience the totality of a colonoscopy. You can ask for drugs. You don't have to prove anything because Martians already respect you as a result of the birthing issue.

Martians, blood is cool but not if you can't see where it came from. If you can't put a Band-Aid on it there's a problem.

Our cultures are different but maybe we can each take a step towards the middle. As a gesture of good faith I will share a secret. Not an Internet secret (as you have to pay to learn those) but rather the pain killer conspiracy secret as it applies to colonoscopies.

Everybody gets 50 mgs. of Demerol, the wild card is the Versed. The Versed comes in a 10 mg. ampule and what isn't used is thrown away. A small, non-drinking Venusian might not "experience" the procedure with a dosage of 2 mg. of Versed. A large Martian, who enjoys a few beers when watching the game, might need 8 mg. The effectiveness of the Versed is a function of the person's size and what kind of workout the liver gets.

Although I have another loose tooth I think I'm done with medical subjects for awhile. (At least I hope so.)

The original colonoscopy article can be accessed by sending a blank email to colonoscopy@stupidman.par32.com

If you haven't signed up for Stupidman's Occasional Newsletter you can at www.stupidmanok.com/or.html

I have more material at my website Stupidman,Internet Guru Trainee www.stupidmanok.com
------------------------------------------------------
Copyright 2002 Stupidman LLC
If you want to copy,publish or post this article, go ahead (less work for me). Unless you find some egregious spelling errors don't rewrite this for me. If you republish let me know where and when as I still get a charge seeing my stuff printed by somebody else. stupidmansfz@yahoo.com